Being bored out of my mind last week, I came up with a crazy idea: learn chess and write about my experiences. I didn’t imagine things going quite the way they did, and it turned out to be pretty fun to do. I doubt I’ll continue to write about it, because now I actually know a little something, but the first five days were pretty amusing. To myself, anyway. Who knows if anyone else will feel the same. But I haven’t written a blog in a long time, and I just didn’t feel like writing some serious political note, so this was a nice respite from that. Hope you enjoy.
Day One
These pieces and configurations confuse me. I get the king, queen, even bishop. Pawns…eh, I guess that could be a pawn. But the knight? That’s not a knight. That’s a horse. Stallion, maybe. I’d even buy pony. But knight? No way. And rook? The hell is a rook? Is that short for rookie? I don’t want any rookies on my team. These things look like the medieval towers from Lord of the Rings where the Elves shot arrows at Saruman’s army of Uruk Hai. And yet these gigantic stone structures move. I’ve never heard of such a thing. Also the pieces are black and white. You are forced to choose one side. What a racist game.
Day Two
Why is this game called “Chess”? It should be called “War Checkers” or “Checkers of Death”. I strongly feel this game is an offshoot of Checkers. I did some research. It’s not. They have nothing in common.
I set up an online account on some chess site that’s supposed to be good. They aggressively tell me to read the rules. I bypass that and decide to play my first game without studying anything about it. There’s an instant messaging dialogue box, much to my happiness. I love talking to random people, especially when I’m about to give them an online beat-down. How quickly my expectations changed. My opponent beat me in what he called “a record for shortest amount of moves.” I don’t know what that means. I call him a childish name and log off.
Ps. I chose white.
Day Three
Apparently, there are rules to how the pieces can move. This game isn’t like Checkers at all. Why then the similar board? Are they trying to confuse people? If so, mission accomplished. Jumping isn’t allowed either. Unless you’re a horse. Oops, I mean “knight”. And here’s the damndest thing…if you jump somebody, they get to stay on the board. How ludicrous is that? In this game you have to bump people off their space. Oh, and by the way, you’d think kings would be the biggest badasses out there, right? Wrong. It’s the queen. Maybe chess is trying to teach me something about life. I’ll ignore it for now. Then, I’ll ignore it later. Also, out of all the pieces, I estimate the rook (or as I like to call it, Elvish Tower) to have the greatest range of movement besides the queen. Yes, that’s right. The huge castle comprised of giant slabs of stone can move better than a bishop, knight, rook or king. Only in the fantasy world of chess. God love it.
I did brush up on the basics, though. I really don’t have time to play today, but with the basics down, how hard can it be? I’m ready to take on Billy Chess now, or whoever created this kindergarten social experiment.
Day Four
I learn that the levels of chess range from “Beginner” to “Master”. After the clubbing I took the other day, I figure I’m due for a win, split the difference, and go with “Expert”. At the start I was feeling pretty confident, getting my pieces out there, positioning myself well. Then things turned south. Quickly. Somehow, this guy broke through my defenses and just ate up my interior pieces. He suggested I “resign”. I don’t know what that means. I get beat shortly thereafter. He then suggested I start at a more reasonable skill level. More frustrated than Day Two, I call him a name that would make most adults blush and log off.
Ps. I chose white again.
Day Five
I’m determined to win at this game. Physical games may have passed me by, but I should be able to compete at a respectable level with a mental game like “chess”. I can’t get over that name. Anyway, I study. A lot. I learn things like “strategy” and “checkmate”. I also see why Bobby Fischer is so popular, and it’s not for his inflammatory remarks about 9/11. I still don’t like him, but I see why people respect him. The thing I don’t get is why someone just hasn’t punched him in the middle of a chess match. I read the rulebook and it doesn’t mention anything about punching your opponent. I mean what’s that gonna land you? A one game suspension or something like that? Well worth punching Bobby Fischer.
Anyway, I devote today to playing 5 games, and hope to win 3 on the “Beginner” level. Having had no luck with white, I go with black for every game except for the last one because the guy had more “points” than I did and got to choose colors. I didn’t want to call him a racist, but I did anyway. I don’t think he got the joke. It was a quiet game. But mission was accomplished. Sort of. I won my second and fourth games. Not what I was looking for, but I’ll take it.
Note to future chess players: Calling your opponent a racist because he/she gets to choose colors first isn’t a good idea.
A Pleasant Conversation 